What is being a dad part 2

 What is being a dad part 2

 fist hurried draft

 part 3 just one small section sunday 28 Aug to go up...

cos i aint finished yet

havent really even started cos a REAL dad knows you have to try and get a helpmeet no matter what...because children will find it easier dealing with two on the same gae..ish

and its a great example to set to them too. As 'crisis' times come....life is only viable - economically and other ways, with two to share it all...burdens and laughs

 

 

when you fuck up hold it up as a fuck up..

and learn from it

 

Walk away..

Dad knows walking away is almost always best.

from ALL conflict...outside your front door, or outside in a country of crazed part neo Nazis...blessem poor lambs, brought up on Rambo(as i saw..)

And no you don’t go to courts unless it truly is the end of the road..never...suckers and fools do that.... just look at USA the home of the 'litigious society' ....

 

Don’t claim false sympathy or self pity

UK is the worst atomised country in all of Europe and the Asian continent. It's uk to pity.... not raghead lands where there is still some semblance of familial trust and bonding...

And as for false claims of being prejudiced against, well

i would not have it one second any other way but 15 years of being particularly effective as a low footprint and environmental steward, and speaker...i know who is THE most hated by far person in a  whole rural area...

and a few would hurt

me....

 if they could find me, and i have many recorded days out where it is obvious who the big guns are really really nasty about... 

no they don't really care about the "darkies" cos the darkies wont cost them a LOT of money if environmental lore is applied...

 

 

LEARN THE real culture of where you are....

Where you end up

 

Cheri

 Within the most SUPERB mad exposition of sex...and sex...and sex for money and fun...

Figure out who you are and if you have really become civilised only try and raise others subtly to your level...

 

know that 99% became anodyne fat and lost... and disdain even sitting in a cafe with a book... let alone laptop

Fact, most dont even read books any more...this is tragedy.

try and.... nudge anyone you can no matter what (as my chronicle today proves arguing with a terrible senior school teacher i have known many years wants to label all his kids.... he may as well label them evil...cos he is

 

 And above all NEVER EVER take anything personally and to heart...

If i were going on honeymoon i would wish to once again 17 years on visit sand dunes...

a mile up the beach towards the North....

of Essouaria...no matter what nonsense the locals have done...i know no more seminal sound - the sound of the sand shifting there one day with Cecile (of The spectacle)  ... was the cry of the heart of the earth itself.... 

 And above all a read dad knows do things that are not "you" ...if useful mutual benefit..

Long ago i knew that 'foodie' dilettante culture in UK was the enemy of good universal thought and civilisation...and real family...and real balance in society...

 BUt having wasted 20 years on trying to play my part..... and the last 10 being ghosted bullshitted and people pleased...

every second has counted.

And filling a poncy foodie culture long pepper device once a year.....rather than every few months simply saves another minute or two to be wasted by the frauds.... generously and happily.

But no more

And someone else knew the value of her noticing my shaver battery lid... five years ago.

and maybe knows why that became a parable too...

And find a film - of true consensus after battle...made about farmers of the swamplands in the 30s usa.... no matter what

 

 and show

LOG CHOPPING VID

 in a bit

and show, in a bit 

MY VIDSFEW WEEKS AGO

 

 

what is being a 'dad'? pt 1

 Well, it is about never doing this...
even if you know it is the only rational thing to do. No one anything in their head worthwhile for years..may as well have it surgically removed.

(and there is always beauty even between the killing rails)

explaining to her last night... drinking like that apart from making you ill, will never ever ernd well...

ALWAYS

And... there is MODERN and there are people stuck in the stone age...

But, segwaying down from item above ..

Dad is ...well i wrote or waffled it elsewhere..

dad is in fact writing this and other things now - a mess.. badly organised written and even without time to look at typos..

I have far better verses and essays here and there. 

But i accept bad presentation to try and make a point...to assist.

And one of those rather good philosophical wafflings is Dad once he has debated within what is 'best' and maybe of mutual benefit, acts as if that will come to pass...NO MATTER WHAT...

he keeps his notes

his thought through plans for the OTHER being daddied...

And he knows there is no 'help' there is facilitation, if those notions ever did come to pass then if he can add in facilitating a younger persons journey... you need to be organised...

 

Dad is also telling the MODERN truth..

sorry, religion and sex... 

though terribly dull (unless doing one of them) do need to be talked about.

Some cultures - uk, US and most Islamic have simply torn themselves to pieces over the latter. UK and us... its as if homosexuality and a perverted version of 'prejudice' have only just been invented...
And a far better conversation must be daily had. And as for r3ligion...it is seeping back everywhere even in the 'New Age' .. fantaical evil ...it needs talking about daily....and the best possible jokes telling of them all...not to hurt, but to satirise. Britain became 'Great' just for a few decades, via the one thing that always is the answer - gentle satire..

love and 'mental heath'

 the former is hard.

the latter easy.

I am an expert

ttps://homelesscommunistwillvotetory.blogspot.com/

that site  is also love.

You take risks for love.

In December 2021  they closed down wales again for reasons that are so totally against all expert real physical and mental health truly scientific sense...

and many round me would have shot e for saying what is said in there. Well fuckem it went to MPS of the region....even some pubs. 

purpose

 No matter what there is always a solution.

But there is always poetry too.

And always poetic justice.

I would not have one second of my life any different (Plato and Aristotle failed to figure in)

Even now...

in a small town where the signal is so poor at the plug

in the pub

i have to go outside to finish the job

And thus finish the battery

just to upload a few silly photos to a silly blog

silly, as no one will ever get it.

But the poetry.

She, her place just behind...five years ago was it

denies the sublime...

because she made the purpose of it sour by  finding no purpose in a conversation i know full well she had never had before.About that sublime she wanted to describe and seek

But then artists.... can never actually be human even around the subject they too yearn to understand...and she had me in her hand. 

Only to blow away...

But then...what next. Just her self pity.... and early grave.

"the sublime recreates itself every day..." so said the Oxford Fellow...except he couldnt live his magnificent line...

well this image is his line brought to life

As is the hardest woman in the world, again, only life...

And every time a rejection of something good comes along it makes me want to live and live living even more...

never mind even more creative something or other come to pass

I smiled today a lot

 even if i am not smiling this moment.

A pub... the talk of punchin'... a supposedly civil pub.

War may as well be. Crass.... and no thought if children may be in a 'family' pub on a tourist week...

And the fat people - the absolute pandemic...i do not belong and never will again.

++++

To business.

And i am writing a few real books too, but always this is best.. this writes itself.

Always has, and i think always will.

Even if a lot of 'help' of late - as never before..

cos book 1 of my few real ones, to have it so beautifully put in The Sunday film..

how Aristotle and Plato sought the answer to one question only; i always knew i could do better and how i am focused. Newly

Because i have lived the answer to their dilemma for so long now...and it is never ever going to get better (than the best it so often became) until just like that, it has...I know several answers. Even if one must always give the bunch of keys to another.

To business.

And A +P may well misogynistically look only for a certain way of being when there is only one way of being and that is in harmony or conflict with another, with whom one may indeed breed..or not..make a bed for

and no one helps with that dilemma.The greatest unknowable, which is why as lesson one, we must know how to be when it hurts...even years on,,,

So, to fin, actually..

though i have yet to begin.

A diversion, into, everything.... good.

That was

Perrraps.... (copyright Virginie all those years ago with err "'Arraps..") but the Christians got her too and wrung her soul inside out such that it can only think of saving itself, rather than the fun of... just maybe maybe making one jot of difference..on this ear planet..

You didn't get me..i can still do, it...

And that's all that matters.

And if i can still do it...then soon i shall begin again.

After being diverted into i know not what.

But it worked... she woke me up. I lived. Even if i live a ferk of a lot for a hobo hermit whom...

Since he bought sublime2020.com and then poignant2021.com 

...assuming he would have had ALL the time in the world to explain what they are and why...

just so so so much has happened...but nothing at all until, she ...does...so has had no time....to use them, yet

The evil of the universe "i haven't time..." all those Waitrose Bags say as they are rushing off to nothing at all ever....

And i sometimes say as Neruda said "a conversation does not begin until we have been speaking at least an hour.." and always that makes them scowl...inside..at me..just for trying. 

So this is the roughest first draft.

Of a story i will never tell as someone else must.....

To write you just gotta Let the fuck go...yet treasure every second too

And have something with a bit of rhythm on too....

Thisun i mean the ONLY one who knew what the "sublime" may just be..

spoke with me so

intently

for at least a part of an hour

to be

human.still she scowls at me from 100 yards away no doubt as i sit outside by the clocktower with my coffee having dared to once think she may mean what she people pleasingly said..

thing she doesnt know. I forgot her about one month on... flat...except as now when i play her song....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJf6HBu76S4

but forget her.

Memories (improvisational title) oh yes....

It is the first line came just like that during a talk with the only one garnered my curiosity

from notes

this is the last of mine

first line of novel

 Any other woman would have had her recently ex husband in the dock for all sorts of contemporary crimes against her person, especially her soul....

Its simply the best...it makes you wish to know her and...why...

But then that novel cannot continue as it takes two to really know...

and debate

and compromise

and consensus

and smile

as Socrates of course discovered and there ended all we need to ever know.

And because so few can do this, so how do we leave off so little compromise..

Forget my words.

It is only about peace.

And this is only about smiles...oh ive smiled more than i ever imagined already this year.

But world record, 'omens' and ferkin nutjob madman in one..

The shirt...

I believe in marriage and only had a partial one...for a passport. Mine she needed...fair dinkum..

But always said to self " if... it ever were to happen the real thing... this must be my 'marriage shirt' ... the world saw it that day on This Morning.... and it is me...

until making my tea

or as the posh say "dinner" even if i say that in real non poetic life

Livin' is....so damn busy all these various loose ends to tie up or reskein...

or tie around my neck and use for 'angin rope.,,

hurry hustle bustle...clean laundry and 

"oh fuck my shirt's on fire...!" 

from the burner

at just below the waistline front right

 .... i mean, maybe...i know what i want...

to MAKE it ...work... next time. But without my marriage shirt,that would have doomed us from..

or maybe i should have let it burn entirely...and be new here... again.. for real?There are no answers.

But this is one.

 

Though she ...well the love of my life. 2004. SO so adored my daughter and it was mutual. My long sought 'looking for a woman who's never been born' ...  and found er. And lived in paradise despite her menopause kicking in full on floods in bed at age 40...

And then one day... rendezzvous at Womad... the lass looking more forward to it than anything else ever before... ('legal')

She is there.... half drunk bottle of Jack in her hand. And no longer her. Or even the quiet gentle woman she had always only been to me. 

Or even the decent woman to a child she said she loved.... as we had to go.

But there is always always ..after years of sorrow she gone...could never be... because alcoholics even if on a clean up... can never ever be really human...

Always one gift left from anyone even the truly tragic and hurtful.

And in Madeleine's case, not only the most lovely gift of her hand made felt throw...to lass...then dad as over the years yes it is always the nicest thing to sleep on especially in minus 20... but the way i have woven the weave into my life...even just a few days ago.

But more...by, over the years, wishing to preserve this most truculent of fibres..i have learned so much about indeed the nature of those fibres, that will always stand me well.

I would burn it for a real wife though.

And then there is this. Well.... ok not 'loved'but we made a life together. And then they used that life only as a weapon. The saddest people ever invented Shakespeare on a bad day couldnt out Lady McB his lady McB..if i told her story i could

But... one day they ... inadvertantly through my girl brought to my house 'his' [evil stepmonster] mantra ..so i was told...well the lawbooks confirm he could not, but i learned to make it my first commandment always...if i can..and when i fail to remember every single word of the times i have not kept to it...and one may may yet put right.

And then...

so above was 20 years ago...and daily i bask warmly in that one gift. From the most damaging train wreck of a person ever.

#

But then there is ....her...

people still speak to me now about a "hedgehog" which it was not and she was a taxidermist...among other things.

BUt that sad story is too sad to tell. Her the barren multiple Miss Carrier... maybe ..

But then it was the harm...starting with the first horrible attack on an innocent man via another innocent man's Facebook...

saddest woman i have ever known. And in theory the most harmful.

And probably did coathanger our kid...

But

One day we are in minus 20 living off grid my caravan..in new love paradise

and she shouts "oi mister twat...you call yourself green...well if you put a lid on the saucepan the water will boil twice as fast.."

And though no woman has in fact ever hurt so much. Every day since when i put the lid on the pan i smile at her memory...and gift to me.

But will it be we..

And such a true "flawed" [her words despite her legal attacks...]  screaming medusa crossed with all the sirens put together surely deserves double fun....two gifts..

turning me on to the ultimate replacement electric toothbrush for my old now unobtainable Bausch and Lomb...my one luxury all my life.

And when you see them on special offer at the supermarket few days ago...even if no one else worth being curious about will ever ever come...

you still buy two just in case. 

And leave hers in its sealed box.... just in case

There will be one last letter in leftovers...soon...tomorrow maybe

and this stays stowed away...because i only ever look for solutions, to dreams...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And solutions.

I have two of these.

The 'rope woman' this i got for her....

Mine...75 years old 

is in a special place.

No one knows of

And all i ever wanted was someone to make sure it was passed on...with the STORY of who gave it to me....

And then we have solutions.

A fizzy mixed up young woman could not manage to count her tools in after a job.

So... tie some string and bright tape on it to make it easier to find in the long grass....she hadnt managed to get to her head in such a  fizz...

that is 'love' and 'purpose' - finding solutions or a bed frame for her to gradually move forward...is the best thing i ever did well this decade....despite being in love with someone else...no one ever knew. Especially the one i chose to dedicate myself to her as purpose... her wellbeing only our purpose...

over the truly new once in a decade true love...i could have chosen...and it was a kairos time too...

but purpose is better.

It is being human.

And .."at last"

 Such a  dramatic title, sounding entitled.

We are to nothing.

But then when out of only ghostly dysfunction arises something, 'else'.....

Which looks such a naff, irrelevant pitch - but then to pitch, one needs that magic ingredient.

And also a knowledge - not a dream or false wish, or pretend Facebook post, that one is truly reborn, even if one wasn't ever dead. And also the knowing that old goats can still fly with the black bunnies and dance their dance, but stay foot on the ground too.

In a more spirited and energetic way  than any  mere nipper.

 

And at 'last'.

But to begin:

She told me, what it means, is about and what she means...

"well it is in a dialect..."

 

Even if i knew all along,  without knowing her dialect or language. Much.

 

And now, at last....

 

perhaps she can take the time to tell

what it

means

And now i am free

 (note to her - the partitioned one, racism, my whole last twenty years, more than blighted - defined, by it, though no one will ever know).

So there is that song, even if 'she' is only twelve.....

is

And her hair undyed and perfect.

As it would appear, now...

Is she

To the rhythm of, rit I mean:

But one would need a very long song, neigh almost Homeric to set the scene.

All that educated rap ongoing as usual.

They wouldn't even see.

The small woman. 

Just two years ago what a big woman.

The biggest i ever knew.

But saw become in the back seat of her mothers car

One day only a year away

A ghost.

A face receding down the road.

Turned to me.  "We lost..."

fast forward. But what is time...

" ... Hello is that...?

" Do you remember me Matilda...

 Meanwhile, it says here a post was put up mid april called 'Le fin' 

Well, talk about too much happening as epilogue even if the German-Paki turns out to be a dreamer, and i have time to write it up, it will take me ten books. So, time to do edited highlights. The definition of living on being: it feels like just three months ago is thirty years so much has happened....and i only wish nothing to happen.

"he is after all...you won't know...

 "the boy from the song...

"we have 'nothing to loose'.. we will even show him that via your publicly published bank stats...

" But then as i have said....  he is such a vain and glorious enemy.... the only way to beat him, those gorgeous songs you sang fifteen years ago....about he divine divinity connecting all the  bums beggin for dimes ..... and us...... and forgiveness; the only way your songs are one thing but... i have to help you mean it.... forgiving him is the only way....

" as my space fairie book consultant gave me earlier'forgive your enemies quickly'.. but that is fantasy; you will have to live forgiveness. Such that instead of singing songs... you do mean it"

half an hour late

 so be it.

As the lass selling her fancy wares stated a bitago....

" i am not ready...yet"

But a decade and more who would have thought 

Now she ' needs' me....

" i need only one thing even if a green pacifist ... happily ready to wage war and jihad on your behalf... because he is worse than you.... go with the best baddie all the weay.... til our wheels  fall off and burn..... it may well have cost you only four undered and fifty smackers but.... my only price, and it is already awaiting us in my phone....

"loud.... 

"foot down...

" u there... in those hills....

" you...and i....

remastered....

"cos if we are to take down together mister utra petrol head wo takes so so much money from unwitting greens..... 

"There is only one motoring number, loud.... your hair blowing in the wind...i see so gorgeously grey....

" no ne can ever master you that we know but.... there is better than that....

so, surely....

 I mean... "The Girl From The Song..."

NO not this !

one...

the uvva about the one who needed takin' down a peg or two....

To think

After the impossibly sublime 2020, impossibly poignant 21...

22 

We are about to do both songs, in one

Letter ....to...an unknown woman.... page one of a few maybe to do later

 And so at last, maybe just for the day

I can begin

"dorme...dorme.."

Was it a year ago?

The absurd thing in my life is that whilst nothing ever happens, too much happens....in my life where only simplification is god;  it seems like a decade ago.  One "poignant" word

But perhaps just a year.

I could look it up, but "looking it up" is such a disastrously dull artless thing to do. Screens and 'data' hold nothing. Only the human mind holds 'something'. But god only know why...

To business: Every 'knowing' commentator nowadays uses 'her' word.

Even Heather and Bret make a plane ride to some irrelevant conferences about nothing, into some melodrama after the Apocalypse, and steal her word ..

"oh my oh my it was so poignant traveling again now we are free to get on a plane,  as if everyone knows we are in some inter Apocalypse phase and the Apocalypse is coming back.."   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDkik4Lo1SU

Basically fuck off. 

One unknown woman wrote that word a year, or lifetime ago, on her wall (if they still say that) and ... way before anyone else, except me, who never died, she came back to some kind of life...or that's what I assumed.....

But that was just one word, one day. Me i been living on planet poignant in a universe of gorgeous mad creativity a decade.. that was my 'gift'....

Nothing happened. For years nothing happened.

And one day one human wrote 'poignant' on her wall.

All that happened was decades of self regard and crappy consuming, distracting all... one day someone had the time and space to write 'poignant'...

So be it.  Me i lived ultra turbocharged poignant from about the first week of April 2020. Every day... dancinfgg with the angels and cycling the flowerful lanes with them on my handlebars that glorious spring (2020 the gloriousest year of all..) 

But last night.

I know what the word 'poignant' really does mean. Which  - seeing it, so clear, is freedom. And thus time to begin.

But before we get to that there is a poignant atmosphere one has to somehow create. And the hardest thing of all is that although one wakes up today to hear on the 

new....

But it fits.

How on earth an one translate this feeling into English never mind write it in such a way that it travels into other languages. Because i do believe there is only one language I would like to get some 'meaning' over into. 

But the ultimate foolish errand is to imagine that the soul that one 'culture' creates is even slightly visible in some other.

And today one hears that they, here, are even beginning to ask the fat people if they want their pounds and ounces back. Well being most are many stones, of course they will: twenty stone sounding perhaps easier on their ears than several hundred kilos. 

But forget that. I did on the thirty first of January in the fabulous year of twenty twenty. 

And start here. Setting the tone: 

Though i suspect the translation is rather off.  Or this one at least is a bit wonky? https://lyricstranslate.com/en/nuvole-bianche-white-clouds.html-0

Sleep. But what a sleep. To dream perchance i don't that often.

But ...

Well i think it may have something to do with my location.

"sleep sleep..."

Now, how does one get into words  the most lovely possible dream. 

It is the easiest CONTENT to describe ever - a simple conversation just her and I sat close together talking about now. Her 23 me my age... now. But it was the serene quality of the talk - how poignant should be: no hurt, no issue, just something good that should be and has a bit of real liofe in the background and we should never be sorrowful at real life, eventually...

But that one dream it is as if all of this was put to sleep at last

Maybe by starting something new, but this time for the very last time.

There is no point doing this just for oneself

https://ruralralph.blogspot.com/

And thus soon it will be time to leave....soon...

But i do want to start and finish this first. As after a dream like that i know what feels good.

But before i even slightly get to that sort of dull memoir, it is the now that matters.

If anyone ever saw out texts - me and the big fat brown man builder... my truest joy ever ever.... 

" i can't i don't have the diversity credentials to cover my ass but you could......"

If we do we will be rich...never mind actually help something that everyone else jhas their knickers in a  twist over and it matters... All lambs matter.

To be continued.

Le fin

 

the beginning

now is it the end or the beginning?

I so need a smile...