Thursday 25 August 2022

I smiled today a lot

 even if i am not smiling this moment.

A pub... the talk of punchin'... a supposedly civil pub.

War may as well be. Crass.... and no thought if children may be in a 'family' pub on a tourist week...

And the fat people - the absolute pandemic...i do not belong and never will again.


To business.

And i am writing a few real books too, but always this is best.. this writes itself.

Always has, and i think always will.

Even if a lot of 'help' of late - as never before..

cos book 1 of my few real ones, to have it so beautifully put in The Sunday film..

how Aristotle and Plato sought the answer to one question only; i always knew i could do better and how i am focused. Newly

Because i have lived the answer to their dilemma for so long now...and it is never ever going to get better (than the best it so often became) until just like that, it has...I know several answers. Even if one must always give the bunch of keys to another.

To business.

And A +P may well misogynistically look only for a certain way of being when there is only one way of being and that is in harmony or conflict with another, with whom one may indeed breed..or not..make a bed for

and no one helps with that dilemma.The greatest unknowable, which is why as lesson one, we must know how to be when it hurts...even years on,,,

So, to fin, actually..

though i have yet to begin.

A diversion, into, everything.... good.

That was

Perrraps.... (copyright Virginie all those years ago with err "'Arraps..") but the Christians got her too and wrung her soul inside out such that it can only think of saving itself, rather than the fun of... just maybe maybe making one jot of difference..on this ear planet..

You didn't get me..i can still do, it...

And that's all that matters.

And if i can still do it...then soon i shall begin again.

After being diverted into i know not what.

But it worked... she woke me up. I lived. Even if i live a ferk of a lot for a hobo hermit whom...

Since he bought and then 

...assuming he would have had ALL the time in the world to explain what they are and why...

just so so so much has happened...but nothing at all until, she has had no use them, yet

The evil of the universe "i haven't time..." all those Waitrose Bags say as they are rushing off to nothing at all ever....

And i sometimes say as Neruda said "a conversation does not begin until we have been speaking at least an hour.." and always that makes them me..just for trying. 

So this is the roughest first draft.

Of a story i will never tell as someone else must.....

To write you just gotta Let the fuck go...yet treasure every second too

And have something with a bit of rhythm on too....

Thisun i mean the ONLY one who knew what the "sublime" may just be..

spoke with me so


for at least a part of an hour

to be

human.still she scowls at me from 100 yards away no doubt as i sit outside by the clocktower with my coffee having dared to once think she may mean what she people pleasingly said..

thing she doesnt know. I forgot her about one month on... flat...except as now when i play her song....

but forget her.

Memories (improvisational title) oh yes....

It is the first line came just like that during a talk with the only one garnered my curiosity

from notes

this is the last of mine

first line of novel

 Any other woman would have had her recently ex husband in the dock for all sorts of contemporary crimes against her person, especially her soul....

Its simply the makes you wish to know her and...why...

But then that novel cannot continue as it takes two to really know...

and debate

and compromise

and consensus

and smile

as Socrates of course discovered and there ended all we need to ever know.

And because so few can do this, so how do we leave off so little compromise..

Forget my words.

It is only about peace.

And this is only about smiles...oh ive smiled more than i ever imagined already this year.

But world record, 'omens' and ferkin nutjob madman in one..

The shirt...

I believe in marriage and only had a partial one...for a passport. Mine she needed...fair dinkum..

But always said to self " if... it ever were to happen the real thing... this must be my 'marriage shirt' ... the world saw it that day on This Morning.... and it is me...

until making my tea

or as the posh say "dinner" even if i say that in real non poetic life

Livin' damn busy all these various loose ends to tie up or reskein...

or tie around my neck and use for 'angin rope.,,

hurry hustle bustle...clean laundry and 

"oh fuck my shirt's on fire...!" 

from the burner

at just below the waistline front right

 .... i mean, maybe...i know what i want...

to MAKE it next time. But without my marriage shirt,that would have doomed us from..

or maybe i should have let it burn entirely...and be new here... again.. for real?There are no answers.

But this is one.


Though she ...well the love of my life. 2004. SO so adored my daughter and it was mutual. My long sought 'looking for a woman who's never been born' ...  and found er. And lived in paradise despite her menopause kicking in full on floods in bed at age 40...

And then one day... rendezzvous at Womad... the lass looking more forward to it than anything else ever before... ('legal')

She is there.... half drunk bottle of Jack in her hand. And no longer her. Or even the quiet gentle woman she had always only been to me. 

Or even the decent woman to a child she said she loved.... as we had to go.

But there is always always ..after years of sorrow she gone...could never be... because alcoholics even if on a clean up... can never ever be really human...

Always one gift left from anyone even the truly tragic and hurtful.

And in Madeleine's case, not only the most lovely gift of her hand made felt lass...then dad as over the years yes it is always the nicest thing to sleep on especially in minus 20... but the way i have woven the weave into my life...even just a few days ago.

But, over the years, wishing to preserve this most truculent of fibres..i have learned so much about indeed the nature of those fibres, that will always stand me well.

I would burn it for a real wife though.

And then there is this. Well.... ok not 'loved'but we made a life together. And then they used that life only as a weapon. The saddest people ever invented Shakespeare on a bad day couldnt out Lady McB his lady McB..if i told her story i could

But... one day they ... inadvertantly through my girl brought to my house 'his' [evil stepmonster] mantra i was told...well the lawbooks confirm he could not, but i learned to make it my first commandment always...if i can..and when i fail to remember every single word of the times i have not kept to it...and one may may yet put right.

And then...

so above was 20 years ago...and daily i bask warmly in that one gift. From the most damaging train wreck of a person ever.
But then there is ....her...
people still speak to me now about a "hedgehog" which it was not and she was a taxidermist...among other things.

BUt that sad story is too sad to tell. Her the barren multiple Miss Carrier... maybe ..

But then it was the harm...starting with the first horrible attack on an innocent man via another innocent man's Facebook...
saddest woman i have ever known. And in theory the most harmful.
And probably did coathanger our kid...

One day we are in minus 20 living off grid my new love paradise
and she shouts "oi mister call yourself green...well if you put a lid on the saucepan the water will boil twice as fast.."

And though no woman has in fact ever hurt so much. Every day since when i put the lid on the pan i smile at her memory...and gift to me.

But will it be we..

And such a true "flawed" [her words despite her legal attacks...]  screaming medusa crossed with all the sirens put together surely deserves double fun....two gifts..
turning me on to the ultimate replacement electric toothbrush for my old now unobtainable Bausch and one luxury all my life.
And when you see them on special offer at the supermarket few days ago...even if no one else worth being curious about will ever ever come...
you still buy two just in case. 
And leave hers in its sealed box.... just in case

There will be one last letter in leftovers...soon...tomorrow maybe

and this stays stowed away...because i only ever look for solutions, to dreams...

And solutions.
I have two of these.
The 'rope woman' this i got for her....
Mine...75 years old 
is in a special place.
No one knows of

And all i ever wanted was someone to make sure it was passed on...with the STORY of who gave it to me....

And then we have solutions.
A fizzy mixed up young woman could not manage to count her tools in after a job.
So... tie some string and bright tape on it to make it easier to find in the long grass....she hadnt managed to get to her head in such a  fizz...

that is 'love' and 'purpose' - finding solutions or a bed frame for her to gradually move the best thing i ever did well this decade....despite being in love with someone one ever knew. Especially the one i chose to dedicate myself to her as purpose... her wellbeing only our purpose...

over the truly new once in a decade true love...i could have chosen...and it was a kairos time too...

but purpose is better.
It is being human.

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